Honestly, if you ask me right now - my hope of bearing a child is getting slimmer everyday and everyday and I feel like blaming my self, a lot of ifs kept running in my thoughts.
"if only I got married at an earlier age
if only I had myself regularly checked up by an OB ever since I started missing my monthly period,
if only I am not fat
if only I have money,
if only I have taken good care of my self..."
Five more months and we're turning FIVE. And I am turning 38 next year. Sometimes I say, it's okay if I'll not be given the chance to become a mother but inside, it is still painful. It is still painful to know that you'll never experience the joy of motherhood, the joy of breastfeeding, the joy of being everything to someone, the joy of seeing your child smile for the first time.
And you know, even if I don't like it, when I look at my friends pictures and see their beautiful kids, I still cry not because I am not happy for them, it's just that the pain is overwhelming and I can't help it.
But I guess I will not dwell with the pain forever, I have to overcome it at some point. I have to accept it one day and begin living a life to the fullest despite not having a child. I know I will someday. After all I maybe not the only married woman in the world without a kid. And adoption is always an option to me.
And I know I will find joy in knowing that my husband's love will not be affected whether we conceived or not and that he will always be there for me, and that the two of us can grow old together. I know I can hold on to the vows he made even if I we are already old and all wrinkly (which reminds me of the eye wrinkle cream I so needed)
I am sure he will still hold my hand and we will still praise God together.