Monday, May 26, 2008

Do's and Dont's to a CHILDLESS COUPLE

Upon reading this on Mari's blog, I was tempted to post it here too hoping those who knew me will stumble upon this and learn some tips of what not to say. just in case..hehe!

Do's and Dont's to a CHILDLESS COUPLE (in short, wag maging taklesa... it hurts, you know)

* Don't ask a childless person when they are going to have a child. They may be going through the process of trying to conceive but have not yet achieved success. Asking them only reminds them of their problem. They need no extra reminders.

* Don't relate stories of your fertility to them. Hearing "my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant" is very annoying. While well-meaning, the statement is insensitive.

* Don't give advice such as "just relax," "you are trying too hard" or "take a cruise." All of these very common comments imply that the couple has control of their fertility. Most of the time, these couples have absolutely no control over their fertility. Implying control leads to feelings of failure and guilt when this advice doesn't work.

* Don't offer advice such as sexual timing, position, herbal medications or other totally unproven therapies. There are literally hundreds of old-wife's-tails that, when followed, can drive an infertile patient nearly crazy. Their physician will have covered those natural aspects of their care that may maximize their chances for conception. Once again, please to not imply that they have a sense of control.

* Don't express your derogatory personal opinions regarding insemination procedures, test-tube babies or adoption. Sometimes, these are their only hope for having a child. These are your opinions and uninvited advice is rarely neither desired nor constructive. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, simply keep it your own. If they ask for your advice, then feel free to state your opinions, but do so in a kind and considerate manner.

* Don't place blame by accusing the couple of exercising too much, eating the wrong foods or drinking alcohol. These couples may already be blaming themselves. Their physician will have already covered the medical and reproductive consequences of obesity, smoking, alcohol and recreation drugs. Support them in the cessation of these activities and minimize the guilt associated with their consumption. The guilt rarely leads to cessation but often moves the individual to increased consumption.

What You Can Say and Do...

* Do provide couples with plenty of emotional support by saying "It must be difficult to go through this" and "I'm here to listen if you need to talk."

* Do remember that men can be just as emotional about the problem, sometimes even more so. They may feel their masculinity is at risk.

* Do understand the couple's need for privacy.

* Do try to understand that if they are your employees, frequent doctor's appointments may be necessary during business hours. Please try to accommodate them as much as possible. Not doing so may also be construed as a form of discrimination and place you at legal risk.

* Do understand why they may not make it to a baby shower or a holiday event. These frequent events can become overwhelming for an infertile couple.

* Do tell the infertile couple that there is hope.

***There are times when it is better to just keep quiet, rather than say anything.


  1. sis, mismo ito ha! can i share this to my sis-in law? thanks.

  2. It seems there are many cases when people would do better just to keep quiet but they just don't.

    The best piece of hope I can offer is a co-worker I am friends with. He & his wife have been married 15 years. They tried for the longest time to have a baby. Almost 10 years. No one could determine what was preventing them from conceiving. They finally just decided that they were not meant to have a baby, they grieved & then moved ahead with their life. 3 weeks ago, his wife learned she's almost 3 months pregnant. There is hope.

  3. hey, very well stated. I used to be very sensitive about it too but I'm used to it now.

    nakakairita nga lang pag nasobrahan.

  4. I like this post. My husband & I are trying to have another baby for years (our son is 10yrs old now). I had taken so many meds, just got injected three weeks ago with another drug, did many tests again, then voila! I got my period last Monday. It's the same tiring routine, same nasty tasting pills. I'm just so grateful that I have a very understanding & loving husband.


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